14 regalos de Valentin que te aseguraran q no tendrás sexo

14 Valentine's Day Gifts Guaranteed to Not Get You Laid



By
Ian Fortey



Every February, just as you get over dropping a wad of cash on Christmas, retailers unite to convince you to buy even more
shit for other people. This time around, for the ones you want to have
sex with. And if you think the mere act of buying something on or
before the 14th is enough to get you laid, these gifts would beg to
differ.

#14.
Erotic Rug Hooking






We had no idea that you could make rugs erotic and, after seeing
this, we still don't think you can, though it does get points for
resembling the pixelated ladies of early Nintendo fantasies. That
aside, we can't imagine who on earth could hold anything close to a
straight face after receiving one of these as a gift. Instead, we're
pretty sure the universal "what the fuck" face would make an appearance.




#13.
Chocolate-Dipped Jalapenos







They say a woman's brain responds to chocolate very much the same
way it does to sex, so clearly chocolate is the kind of gift you want
to use to get her brain in the right place. But regular chocolate is
for chumps. These chocolate jalapenos tell your girl "I think you need
to pack on a few pounds, then spend a few hours on the shitter getting
rid of it again." Romance may be dead but burning squirts are timeless.

#12.
Personalized Romance Novel







Why settle for chocolate or flowers on Valentine's Day when you can
immortalize that special someone as a complete fucking tool for all
time? Pirates of Desire is a romance novel you can
personalize by having them rename characters after you and that special
person--you can even include your cat! This is sure to make for the
most awkward reading of your lives, as your girl realizes how badly she
wants a swashbuckling adventurer with an eight-inch dick, instead of
the pudgy Halo enthusiast who thought paying someone to use the
"Replace All" function on their word processor counted as a thoughtful
gift. #11.
Adopt-a-Penguin







First of all, no penguin will be delivered to your home by a wacky
deliveryman in a flying machine. You won't get to keep him in your
bathtub, or put a tiny harness on him to walk about the neighborhood
squirting feces onto the lawns of others while your significant other
fawns all over you, and proposes mind-boggling threesomes. No, that
shit won't happen at all.

Instead, you get a twice-yearly newsletter from the Falkland
Islands, wherever the fuck they are, about penguins, plus some bullshit
stuffed penguin that doesn't squirt anything and some kind of badge
that says what a schmuck you are for dropping cash on this "gift" which
goes to support a charity that takes care of penguins. If they sell
out, you can always just take her to the zoo, pay the cover charge and
then turn around and go home.

#10.
Cocksox







We deeply wish we'd never seen this product, but nonetheless it was
linked from a site intended for women looking for good Valentine's
gifts for the man in their life. Judging from the photo, the man in
their life is Gay Sasquatch, but that's neither here nor there and
we're not about to judge others on their lifestyle choices. The problem
here, however, is clear. If you give this on Valentine's Day to any
man, even Gay Sasquatch, what you're basically saying is "Hey, I think
you're so special, I want to try to choke your junk into
unconsciousness by squeezing the life out of it with some recycled
Dayglo Hammer pants from the early '90s."

#9.
Sweet Heart Erotic Vibrator







Nothing quite embodies the spirit of love and romance like an
awkward crotch bulge. And if your girlfriend doesn't have one already,
then this product is here to help.

This device comes with two magnetic pieces, so you clamp one inside
the panties, one outside, and viola! Now your girl can't actually put
her legs together any more and everyone she encounters will have to
force their gaze away from the terrifying, buzzing cameltoe she's now
sporting.


#8.
Personalized Magazine Cover







The website promises, "Impress your friends and relatives and
discover what it feels like to be a celebrity--without the annoying
paparazzi following you everywhere ... "

The first problem (of many) is that this gift apparently demands you
live a lie, and tell "family and friends" that you are in fact a
celebrity, which presumably will involve you making up some elaborate
back story about how you were in a TV show in the '90s or whatever.

The other problem is that even if a guy appeared in a real wedding
magazine, he'd go to the ends of the earth to make sure his friends
never found out. Maybe they make a guy's version, called Celebrity
Fucker or something like that, where they take the same picture up
there, Photoshop out the clothes and replace the girl with Natalie
Portman.



#7.
Single-Shot Garter







Here's a gift that has some honesty behind it. The garter says "Hey
baby, I wanna see you in your underwear" and the flask says "But you're
gonna need to be drunk for this to work."

#6.
Nookii Bear






Seizing the market that likes to mix childhood innocence with
debauchery, someone made the Nookii Bear, a cute little stuffed animal
that holds a sack full of cards, each featuring detailed description
your lover will read with a look of awkward discomfort on their face.

Here's a tip: if your sexual fantasies involve a bedroom with a lot
of stuffed animals in it, it's probably best to keep that to yourself.

#5.
Indecent Proposal: The Game






There's a whole niche of these erotic board games for couples,
usually ending up with you making ice cream sundaes on the other
person's crotch. But only one game suggests that you think your partner
is a whore.

The Indecent Proposal game has players earning play money by
performing sex acts until you can afford the money shot. The game comes
complete with action cards, dice and a pimp to smack the shit out of
you for not giving him his cut.


#4.
Your Face on Adam and Eve Artwork








History is rife with historical lovers, from Antony and Cleopatra to
Romeo and Juliet to Mr. Miyagi and Daniel Laruso. Being immortalized
with your lover as one of those couples probably seems like fun to
someone in the theatre crowd, but even they might be hard pressed to
find all that much romance in having their faces grafted onto Adam and
Eve, a couple who probably did not have all that much hot, nasty sex
with the face of an Old-Testament God scowling down at them all day.


#3.
Play-Doh Cologne







The makers of Play-Doh cologne say it's "meant for highly-creative
people, who seek a whimsical scent reminiscent of their childhood."
They fail to mention that Play-Doh smells like unwashed dicks, and that
walking around reeking of an 8-year-old's toys will make your peers
associate you with pedophilia.

#2.
Heart Remote Control






Because tacky doesn't need to limit itself to everyday shit like
your wardrobe, your car and your general state of being, this little
gem was created for the trailer park princess in your life. Sadly
devoid of rhinestones, this remote comes with a spot for engraving, so
she can never deny that she once dated someone retarded enough to think
this was a good gift.

#1.
Q-Pig







Romance and swine have had a sordid history at best. Rare is the
woman who likes being associated with pigs and frankly, if it's not
bacon, there are probably very few men who like it either. Nonetheless,
some intrepid soul designed Q-Pig, a fat little pink Valentine take off
of Cupid, complete with toga and his own rap song.






Whether or not this pig raps better than most rappers currently
recognized by Billboard charts is not the point. Whether or not the
designer really pondered the name MC Ham-mer is also not the point. The
point is that this thing sucks. Sucks hard and fast.

Los chocolates son infalibles... las cosas que se inventan xDDDD

Que cerdo mas feoooooooooo xD