Los peores esposos de los cómics

Tomándolo del sitio de Cracked.com
y LOL ya sabia que el primero iba a ser ese XD

#6.
Spider-Man AKA Peter Parker






Married To:
Mary Jane Watson
Good Qualities:



Spider-Man has a certain Hugh Grant-esque bumbling sweetness about him, and legs that go on for miles.

Warning Signs:
Spider-Man's a wisecracker. Everyone knows that, it's one of his
defining character traits. However, audiences only have to tolerate
Spider-Man's lip for 28 pages every couple of weeks, or a couple hours
every few years. Imagine trying to live with the guy. Imagine trying to
have sex with the guy:

"So I guess that's where I left that web-shooter!"







On top of that, he's a terrible provider. Costumed vigilantism gets
you tons of headlines and the adoration of millions but the pay amounts
to all the spare change he can salvage from window ledges and pigeons'
nests. The good news? That's still more than your average freelance
photographer pulls in.

The Clincher:
Spider-Man sold his marriage to Satan. Just read that sentence over
a couple more times, let it marinate. Done? OK, allow us to explain:

Spider-Man, in one of his trademark haphazard attempts at doing the
right thing, unmasked himself on national television. This led to the
Kingpin putting a hit on the wall-crawler, and Aunt May eating the
sniper round intended for her dimwitted nephew. With his former
caregiver in a deteriorating coma, Spider-Man's angst began approaching
critical levels, attracting the attention of the demon Mephisto.

Mephisto, feeling generous, proposed a deal to Spidey: Aunt May would be returned to full health, bullet-free, but in return ...





... he would have to give up his marriage to Mary Jane. For some reason.

Spidey hemmed and hawed for a while, but eventually came to the
logical decision: Abandon countless future years of happiness with the
woman he loves in exchange for giving his octogenarian aunt a chance to
die of heart failure or something.

The marriage of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson could be likened
to a Toyota Prius with faulty brakes: Comfortable and reliable under
most circumstances, but destined to eventually flatten itself against a
brick wall. And ultimately, not worth it.
#5.
The Incredible Hulk, AKA Bruce Banner






Married To:
The alien warrior queen Caiera.
Good Qualities:


Say what you like about the Hulk, but he's reliable (to be fucking insane with rage.) Great teeth, too.

Warning Signs:
Aside from the obvious (that he may flip out, grow six feet, and
demolish an entire city block because it was suggested they're getting
a little paunchy) there's anatomical compatibility to think of. Bruce
Banner may have the tiniest, most adorable member imaginable, but once
he Hulks out, that thing becomes weaponized.
"Weaponized" is actually a literal description. Every single fluid
the Hulk produces is so radioactive that a Hazmat team would rush into
the bedroom every time he climaxes.




The Clincher:
The Hulk is cursed. A happy Hulk is not a Hulk at all, so in the
comic book universe that means bye-bye to anything that might bring him
peace (like, say, a happy relationship.) This is bad news for anyone
hoping to settle down, maybe buy a house in the suburbs, and pump out
little Hulks.

Case in point: When the Hulk took his second wife, Caiera (yes, he's
been married twice) it was on a planet he'd recently liberated from a
despotic overlord and saved from an alien menace. She was a proud
warrior queen, making her capable not only of withstanding Hulk's
temper tantrums, but also his immense mojo.
So, the Hulk basically became king of an entire planet, married to
his perfect woman and is surrounded by people who love him to pieces.
What happens?





A massive explosion kills everyone except Hulk. Insert trumpet going "Wah-Wah-Wah-Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah."
To be fair to Hulk, we don't really know how good of a husband he
would be long-term, due to the incredibly short lifespan of his wives.
And though it's probably not much consolation to them, nothing that
happened to either of his wives was his direct fault.
The same cannot be said for the next guy on our list ...
#4.
Cyclops, AKA Scott Summers






Married To:
Jean Grey, AKA Phoenix

Good Qualities:

We won't lie, Cyclops seems to have the whole package: He's polite,
clean-cut, great with kids, and ridiculously muscular. That's like
winning the husband lottery, right?

Warning Signs:
Wrong. While Cyke might be the go-to guy for fighting colossal
robots, you've got the wrong man if you're looking for someone to have
a good time with. Summers is a little like the Hulk, only instead of
transforming into a rampaging monster, he turns into sort of a dick.
And never changes back.




He's the only man alive who can make beating the tar out of a gang of genetic freaks feel like work.


The Clincher:
The worst thing Cyclops ever did to his wife might not be the most
heinous on this list, but it is without a doubt the dumbest. See,
Cyclops was married to Jean Grey who, by the way, had psychic powers.
When some of the spark went out of the relationship, Cyclops dealt with
according to the true nature of his dickishness: by seeking sexual
healing from another telepathic babe, Emma Frost.





Ms. Frost In Her Ongoing Campaign Against Subtlety



Thus they being a bizarre "psychic love affair." After all, how
would Jean ever find out? Oh, wait. She's also psychic. To reiterate:
Scott Summers, while married to a psychic of inestimable power, enters
into a psychic affair with the sluttiest psychic in town.

Once Jean catches on, it predictably takes her about a thousandth of
a second to tear into Emma's mind and break up the shenanigans, leading
to this charming tableau:






Look at Cyclops' face in the above picture. It betrays one of two things: Either he's only just realized what a titanically poor decision he's just made, or he's still
in the dark and is completely fucking flabbergasted. "What's wrong,
honey? Why are you so angry? Oh, say hi to Emma, you know Emma, right?"


Meanwhile, in the back of his mind he's thinking, "Threesome."




#3.
Hawkeye, AKA Clint Barton






Married To:
Barbara Morse, AKA Mockingbird
Good Qualities:


Hawkeye has the typical cachet of better-than-usual abilities. He's
an expert hand-to-hand fighter, accomplished gymnast, all of which
we're assuming lets him perform admirably in the bedroom. If a cut-rate
Captain America without the jingoistic overtones gets your motor
running, look no further than Clint Barton.




"The High, Hard Shaft" and Other Titles That Marvel Editorial Overlooked


Warning Signs:
As hard as it is to be married to any superhero, it has to be harder
to be married to a gimmicky B-lister. You have to imagine that as Mrs.
Hawkeye you'd constantly be trying to boost his spirits with such
encouragements as:

"I'm sure next time we fight Doctor Doom you'll get to do something before Iron Man carpet-bombs the area."

or

"You know, you'll be technologically relevant if we get sent back to the 16 century! It could happen!"

You wind up living with a man who has a crippling inferiority
complex, often making weak attempts at justifying the whole 'bow and
arrow' thing. For instance:






"Are you sure? 'Cause we could just untie--"
"NO IT MUST BE WITH ARROWS."

The Clincher:
Pop quiz, fellas: Your wife confesses to you that she was raped, and
that she allowed the rapist to die after fighting him. Do you:

A) Wholeheartedly support her actions, only regretting that you weren't there to kill the man yourself.

B) Tell her that all that matters is that she's OK now.

C) Freak out, refuse to believe her, and take the side of the rapist.

If you picked an answer other than C, congratulations! You're not Hawkeye.

Yes, all of that happened to Mockingbird (the rapist was Phantom
Cowboy, it's a long story). Mockingbird eventually tells Hawkeye of the
events, and we are treated to this bewildering exchange:






By the way, as you can guess by the villain's name, he's a phantom.
He doesn't actually die, he just inhabits another body, so basically
his "death" was a mild inconvenience for him. Yet, Hawkeye takes his
side. "Psychotic Phantasmal Bros Before Hos, Am I Right, Fellas!"
#2.
Yellowjacket, AKA Goliath, AKA Giant-Man, AKA Ant-Man, AKA Henry "Hank" Pym






Married To:
The Wasp
Good Qualities:


As you can probably tell from the many different names, Henry Pym is
constantly finding new ways to make his 'growing and shrinking'
superpower seem fresh, displaying a certain creative flair. He's also a
whole hell of a lot buffer than you'd expect your typical
super-scientist to be.

Warning Signs:
Not to put too fine a point on, but Henry Pym's kind of an asshole,
and an incredibly sketchy one at that. If he isn't feeling insecure
about his abilities ("I'm just not big enough!"), he's building robots who eventually go insane and murder billions galaxy-wide.




"Stay out of the garage, honey. I'm working on something."


The Clincher:



Oh, yeah. That's Pym giving his wife a good superhero smacking. According to the writers, WHAK is the sound it made.


That happened while Pym was facing an Avengers court martial for
being a crazy jackass. This would have effectively branded him a
supervillain and given Thor, Iron Man, and Captain America full license
to tap dance on his skull. Pym, thinking long and hard, decided that
the best way to convince his friends that he wasn't a threat was to ...
build a killer robot to attack the court martial hearing. Wait, what?

OK, so his plan was to defeat the robot by himself, thus convincing
the assembly that he was still a hero. The Wasp overhears Pym's
deranged mutterings and plays Devil's Advocate, suggesting that sending
a giant robot to attack your super-friends is, um, kind of insane. Pym
refuses to tolerate any backsass to his genius, and fetches her a nasty
backhand, knocking her unconscious.

Wow. Do they get worse than that? Cold, distant, and emotionally
unavailable? Check. Gradually alienating all mutual friends and
coworkers? Check. Verbal and physical abuse? Check. The only reason for
him not topping the list being that there's one man who does it all
better ...


#1.
Mr. Fantastic, AKA Reed Richards






Married To:
Susan Storm, AKA The Invisible Woman

Good Qualities:


A winning smile, a smooth talker, and a penis that can actually stretch a county mile.

Warning Signs:

Let's look at some examples of Mr. Fantastic's philosophies towards marriage:

Mr. Fantastic on Communication:





Mr. Fantastic on Reconciliation:





Mr. Fantastic on Shutting Susan Up:





The Clincher:
Let's be honest: any of the above pictures are enough to condemn
Reed Richards as a lousy husband, and a total dick to boot. But we here
at Cracked pride ourselves in going that extra mile when denouncing
imaginary jerks, so try this gem on for size: Reed Richards shut off
his own son's brain.

Young Franklin Richards, budding mutant prodigy and apple of his
mother's eye, was an issue of some concern to his father. Franklin
apparently had a godlike supply of reality-altering power, which Reed
was afraid he might lose control of. His solution is enough to make
anyone remotely familiar with an Oedipus complex bite clean through
their cigars.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Coma Ray:





Reed "There's No Problem That Rayguns Can't Solve" Richards

Reed may look conflicted in the picture, but you just know
that in the back of his mind he's going "Excellent! My calculations
regarding the Vegetomatic Tranfusor were spot on! Truly, this a
glorious day for science!"

The fact that Reed Richards is both the worst husband on this list
while being the only one who's still married is probably a testament to
just how good Reed Richards is at spinning his dick moves. Keep in
mind, this guy got superpowers in the first place by taking his fiancee
and her dopey teenage brother into dangerously radioactive areas of
space (on said fiancee's dollar). That he became known as a superhero
at all shows he is one smooth motherfucker. Well we're not fooled, Mr.
Richards.